let me try some honesty. maybe it'll go well. it'll at least be somewhat fun to try. so. what's wrong?
so saturday night? i guess i flipped out a little. micah has suggested that it may have been self-sabotage; i highly suspect he was pulling it out of his ass, and just talking for the sake of talk, but it's interesting to think about. i was definitely obnoxious. i don't think it was on purpose, and i'm not even completely certain that i was that bad -- maybe just myself to an extreme. god knows i'm pretty obnoxious on a regular basis, and andy says i'm intense and loud when i get hyper (to me, this smacks of sac -- i hope i'm not that loud). maybe i just got carried away enjoying myself, or maybe my head was so full of my own voice that it started grating on me (not unheard of) so i tried to outdo it with an even louder me (that doesn't sound crazy at all). i tried to think less about myself (for those of you who haven't caught on yet, i've recently become very aware of my self-center-edness; it doesn't help that i can "express myself" with this new web page of mine, or the fact that he constantly dropped subtle (and not-so-subtle) reminders that i only think of myself) and more about my companion for the evening, but i guess i'm just not very good at it. is it because i can't handle one-on-one situations? i definitely enjoy myself more in a group, where the attention is dispersed. also, i've recently become so obscenely comfortable with myself that i don't even try to put forward a nice face anymore; i'm just out-and-out my obnoxious disgusting self at all times. that's not so bad (i guess) when i'm with people that know me really well, because they feel free to ignore me anyway, but people that don't know me (well, they can't get away for one thing, in a one-on-one situation) are just frightened or freaked out. i'd be scared.
so, is that it? i'm just too comfortable? i don't hold back all that is me anymore? i find that hard to believe, especially considering i used to be pretty shy and stoic. but, people can change. was i trying to scare him? if so, i don't know why. was i just trying to create a scene? i dunno. don't think so. what good would that do? y'know, the tv really sucks all thoughts out of my head.
so, yah, i really don't know. so much for trying to be honest. other than that, i'm also lazy about losing weight (what if i try and still don't? i'll try not to be so cliched from now on), learning the guitar (no patience), and doing web stuff. i also haven't called people i've been saying i'll call for a while, nor emailed. i really didn't intend for this honesty thing to turn into an exploration of my recent failings and insecurities. so, that's enough.
oh, and by the way, sorry about the faux bitterness in the last update (and this one). i'm not going to explain, i don't quite understand the need myself.